Again i thought: "next time if she does this; i'll do that".

Again, i was fantasizing. Counting my eggs when i haven't yet seen the chicken. Another sign of stupidity stemming from the human heart.

There isn't a next time.

"As if i give a flying fuck"
- Chris Hartes

Amidst the sorrow & despair flowing in from so many connections, i laughed. The Pact, by Jodi Picoult. I am almost half done with it.

I saw the protagonist through the parent's eye. I saw how Chris felt, failing to save her & again failing to join her. And i took every bit of pain like my own.

So many connections. Each wrenching a story out from my past & present. I like recounting them. After recounting, i feel absolutely worse. Yet i feel better. Of course, i recount only to some. The rest don't have the honour.

Chris & Emily, similar situation as i had with Nurain. But somehow, there wasn't a quarrel to blow steam off. There never was that resulted from that behaviour. You know Nura - this term of endearment to me, i have never used since Christmas Eve - 4 years on, i realized the reason you have was one of the stupidest i've heard.

"decided in that instant that for the rest of Emily's life, he would be her guardian angel"
- Jodi Picoult

Yet another similarity. But how long was that 'instant' for me? Yes, for the rest of her life. But did i actually referred to myself as her 'guardian angel'?

I'll always be there for you. Since like Chris is best & boy friend to Emily, i love you & also i made a vow.

Now, how different is a vow from a promise?

My vow to keep her protected & happy, was the first of any promise i made. Ironically, this one which i made to myself is the only one was i would have thrown in my life to keep it. The rest, some made by half assed people either got broken by them or forgotten.

You know, you failed that test i set for you.

Naturally, too busy with your life. Unwilling to let a speck of dirt stain your otherwise 'perfect life'. Spotless & clean record you sought.

There's this girl. I can't find her anywhere on friendster though i saw her once. I thought of adding her, with the possibility of chatting her up soon. She attracts me. I like her makeup.

This is where an alarm blares. I may not be attracted to her, but merely how she looks with her makeup. Hell, i don't even know if her sexual orientation.

Maybe, maybe not.